~ThE dEaL aBoUt Me~

peace

2011-08-21T21:18:00.001+08:00

“Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us, guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love, the clarity of hatred, the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we’d know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we’d be truly dead.” - Joss Whedon

I haven't blogged in ages!

well, nowadays I feel a lot better, I've learnt to put alot of the things that bother me aside and just trust God. a few weeks ago I went to the Festival of Praise, and I was really inspired by the message by John Bevere. He talked about how God's grace empowers us, it gives us the ability to go beyond our natural ability. And this is available to us just by believing.

Whenever I feel really inferior to certain people, performance wise. I'm sure everyone has felt that at least once in their lives, I always remember that and that God is in me, nothing is impossible and I am special. A few days ago that feeling got pretty bad but I remembered the verse 2 Corinthians 12:9 which basically said "my grace will see you through anything, and my power shows up best in your weakness".

I picked myself up.

Anyway, theres one more week till I get a two week break and then the last term of the year. Just gonna give it my all despite all the assignments and presentations that are stressing me out. I'll trust God!

far away sounds good

2011-06-10T19:31:00.004+08:00

had a pretty great time at Bangkok with my cousins and family, but it was really short. I wanted to stay away from Singapore longer.

I was talking to my mom about America on the plane and I really feel so excited just talking about it. I really miss my friends there and it seems like such an amazing place. Not that Singapore is a horrible place but it's just that the thought of migrating somewhere far away from everything going on sounds so lovely. sighhh. When I'm in Singapore I just have to keep forcing myself to think that I'm not getting affected by whats happening around me.

Anyway, I guess I'll just have to enjoy the remaining part of my June holiday.

2011-05-31T17:15:00.001+08:00

THIS IS THE BEST. MOVIE. EVER. I SWEAR.

HOLIDAYS. FINALLY.

2011-05-31T17:04:00.004+08:00

damn, I haven't blogged in ages.

anyway, the long awaited June holidays are here ( i thought it was never gonna come, school is seriously become a shit hole). Holidays are great cause you can do anything you want, whenever you want. I really wanna spend more time with the people I barely have time to spend with (family, church mates) cause school sucks up all my time (and my life it feels, sometimes) and I don't even do anything during school days. NO LIFE :( spending time with people who are not school mates also make me feel less crappy. I'm like a totally different person in school, hate how this school has changed me since I came in.

the past two days of the holiday I haven't done much, I just stayed at home but I guess it's better than going to school and I can do whatever I want. I cleared up some of my stuff today too and I found a huge box of all the letters from my childhood and i cried (sometimes I'm just so emotional) cause I realised how good things were back then and how much things have changed. which sucks. Nostalgia really makes your life now seem even crappier than it is.

but I guess the best I can get is to keep being positive and trusting God. That's the only things that get me through sometimes.

on a lighter note, I'm going to malaysia and bangkok this holiday! I hope I go somewhere awesomer during the year end, I really wanna go to America :o

TTFN:)

ugly

2011-04-02T23:32:00.002+08:00

compare

2011-04-02T23:30:00.001+08:00

sorry I haven't blogged in ages.

I didn't feel too good about myself today. dyou ever get that feeling when you see all your pretty and thin friends wearing cool stuff or looking better in their uniform and stuff like that?

well, I'm beginning to feel like this.

I really just want to get rid of the comparisons in my head.

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

2011-02-21T22:58:00.000+08:00

The Click Five- Don't Let Me Go with LYRICS (Studio Version New 2010)

2011-02-21T22:57:00.000+08:00

beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder?

2011-02-21T22:55:00.004+08:00

I never understood what the phrase "beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder".

image

2011-02-21T22:53:00.001+08:00

you know, it's hard to try and feel good about the way you look,

when walking examples and definitions

of whats beautiful,

hot and pretty,

are all around you,

every

single moment.

Justin Bieber Meets Huge Fan on Ellen (FULL HD)

2011-02-11T23:32:00.000+08:00

MY BIEBER FEVER CAME BACK AFTER I WATCHED THIS. I CANT STOP SPAZZING SHE IS TOO LUCKY SHIT. I WISH JUSTIN DIDNT CANCEL :(

audacious

2011-02-10T22:16:00.003+08:00

it's all about the positivity

2011-02-10T22:08:00.003+08:00

sorry I haven't updated in ages!

well in the last couple of weeks there were many ups and downs.

ranging from school related stuff,to friends and self image.

But I realised that a day is never really a crappy or a good one,

it all depends on your outlook.

you start the day with thinking,"damn today is gonna suck"

or if you get sad and take pity on yourself,

then yeap,

todays gonna be a crappy day for you.

but although things might not turn out for the best,

if you choose to stay happy(with the help of your friends maybe?)

you'll start to feel that everything will start going your way :)

thats why these couple of days I've been feeling better cause I focussed on doing this!

you should try it too!

Esther (:

frustrated

2011-01-21T22:49:00.003+08:00

okay I am seriously so frustrated and annoyed with everything happening around me. I really can't wait for the chinese new year break and I can finally escape from all this crappy things.

Maybe it's all in my mind? I don't know.

But whatever it is,

I hope it will go away.

This feeling of not being good enough,

ugly,

comparing myself with other prettier people,

caring about what others think about me,

just has to stop.

I AM JUST TIRED OF CARING.

It seems so easy to just throw everything away and stop caring,

doesn't it?

But it's really not that simple at all.

frustrated

2011-01-21T22:49:00.002+08:00

okay I am seriously so frustrated and annoyed with everything happening around me. I really can't wait for the chinese new year break and I can finally escape from all this crappy things.

Maybe it's all in my mind? I don't know.

But whatever it is,

I hope it will go away.

This feeling of not being good enough,

ugly,

comparing myself with other prettier people,

caring about what others think about me,

just has to stop.

I AM JUST TIRED OF CARING.

It seems so easy to just throw everything away and stop caring,

doesn't it?

But it's really not that simple at all.

VOTE VOTE VOTE PLEASSEEEE

2011-01-16T22:22:00.001+08:00

VOTE

http://tinyurl.com/4mng8cb

from my tagboard!

2011-01-14T23:51:00.002+08:00

Saly: A Quite nice post. Whenever i check your blog i read a original view. In addition, as a new developer, i need to say that the structure of your site is amazing. Could you post some information regarding the theme? . Thanks.

HEY SALY :D

thank you so so much for your comments and compliments! uhhh the theme credits are under the miscellaneous section of my blog and you can click on the links of the credits! but I got my theme from blogskins just like everyone else :D

ESTHER xxx

lethargy

2011-01-14T23:46:00.004+08:00

Exhaustion and Prayers

2011-01-14T23:33:00.003+08:00

ughhh sorry I haven't been updating much.

our days in school have become later and I'm not happy with that at all!

In fact,I'm soooo tired.

I mean,I'm trying my best to cope and all,

and I know I can but it's kinda draining

cause thats not the only thing you gotta deal with in your head.

If you know what I mean.

These few days I've been really conscious about how I look AGAIN.

It's really bugging me,

like my hair,

picking up all the differences between myself and other people,

comparing myself with people who are much prettier and getting more attention from guys,

which only make me feel worse.

And honestly, I don't know if theres a cure to this.

But I'm really tired of caring.

I don't know what to do.

And feeling alone and different and stuff.

But yesterday,

we had a prayer session among people I'm more familiar with,

I realised maybe I'm not the only one feeling this way (at least for the alone thing)

and other people also want to make certain changes within the school.

So together we kinda discussed different issues and whats bothering us,

and we all said a prayer.

After that I felt this sense of greatness and simple joy,

especially while we were praying in the school compound where it felt like

God was THERE even in the midst of everything.

That was the best feeling of all.

Maybe I change my mind about prayer sessions.

It's different from praying alone.

Well then, God is really working slowly.

He's trying to touch our lives through all these difficulties.

We should start making this prayer thing a priority.

I think it really works.

I feel so small

2011-01-10T21:21:00.001+08:00

different

2011-01-10T21:13:00.002+08:00

After these few days of school, I've been starting to feel all weird.

Sometimes I feel like I'm different from other people,

or maybe because I run on a different frequency or something.

It's just I really don't get what they do,

how they act,

sometimes,it's like I'm the only one with a brain here and I hate feeling like that,

cause that feeling usually comes with loneliness,

and it makes you feel really depressed.

And it gets worse cause I really don't feel like I have anybody or a clique,

and inside I just really feel so alone.

Because the truth is I am alone.

Maybe nobody gives me problems or hates on me,

but the feeling doesn't change and I really don't want to feel this way for the years ahead.

I just wish there were somebody,

it's hard going on without a friend to lean on at all times,

instead of jumping around,

I'm tired of it,

and pretending that I'm happy,

when I'm not.

Thats probably I like it better when it's the holidays,

the I can escape all these differences,

and hang with the people I feel I click with and be really happy.

Well I just have to trust God that things will turn out for the better.

commencement

2011-01-02T23:51:00.002+08:00

hahah at church sleepover. we didnt sleep till like four but it was fun :)

MY NEW YEAR RESOLUTION

2011-01-02T23:45:00.002+08:00

Faith in God

This year I want to depend on God no matter what because ultimately it's all about him and I know he will make every single thing better and I love him :)

Studies

I want to focus and not get so distracted like I did last year by all sorts of stuff. And I wanna improve in my weak areas like chinese and stuff like that.

Personal

I want to be a more responsible person and reliable. Knowing my priorities and stuff like that. With maturing hopefully haha. And to accept myself for me even if I'm different and stuff. And not being afraid to speak up for myself before it's too late.

Friends

After everything I've been through,I've learnt to treasure things better :)

I find that I've known loads of people since I was a kid but up till now I don't actually know them so I am going to try to treat them better and get to know them more to make up for all the years I didn't. And hopefully I'll gain better friends than I ever thought.

Get to know new people too maybe!

I'm praying for new beginnings and a great year :)

sighhhhh

2011-01-01T23:16:00.000+08:00

I'll update tomorrow.Don't wanna think now.

invocation

2010-12-29T22:47:00.002+08:00

this holiday we played alot by the waves

and built sandcastles.

But because the waves were really really strong and

the sand was really really wet,

and each time we built sandcastles and the waves came in,

our creations would get destroyed instantaneously.

But this morning when we built it against a rock

(with a mixture of drier sand to be stronger...we learnt this when we were kids)

our creations were extremely strong and after many strong waves,

our castles were firm and strong,

but it occasionally crumbled and we had to hold it up and add more sand.

This got me thinking,

we are like the sandcastles,

the rock is God,

when you put your foundation on other things such as the normal sand,

you will always be let down and crumble.

But when you put your foundation on the rock which is Jesus Christ,

you will stand firm.

However,humans being humans,

we will sometimes lose our faith,

and we will crumble back down despite depending on the Lord,

this is not a simple task.

But it is the fact that you pick yourself up,

to rebuild,

knowing that God is there as your pillar of support,

that really matters.

simple pleasures

2010-12-29T22:40:00.003+08:00

I had a real good time this holidays although as all holidays in Malaysia are, it was nostalgic. However it was easier to not think about it so much because my other buddies were around and we had a blast. It was the best time I had the whole holidays. :)

I hope to have more holidays like this in future (:

BELATED XMAS

2010-12-29T22:36:00.001+08:00

Christmas :D

2010-12-24T23:43:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas guys :)

Serenity

2010-12-24T23:25:00.001+08:00

Ecstasy

2010-12-24T23:21:00.004+08:00

Christmas is tomorrow.

I guess I'm pretty happy today and the fact that Christmas is a few minutes away sends this chill down my spine. Maybe it's not gonna be as bad as I thought it would be :)

And I know I'm gonna get lovely presents and I'm gonna be with my friends.

Maybe it's good for me too (:

sighhhhh I really love this simple happiness right now.

I'm all good right now.

Joe Brooks - Superman

2010-12-24T23:21:00.000+08:00

this song is just sooooo sweet :)

Nostalgia

2010-12-22T21:03:00.001+08:00

You're my third best friend.

2010-12-22T20:58:00.003+08:00

it was obvious by the way they distanced themselves,

that they were slowly breaking away from us,

no longer hanging out with us,

not going on holidays together,

not hanging out like they used to.

Maybe I was too young and carefree,

too ignorant,

or maybe I was pushing it to the back of my head,

on purpose.

But when you left I couldn't pretend anymore,

everything changed,

my third best friend was gone.

Idealistic

2010-12-21T20:58:00.001+08:00

Sentimental Spirit

2010-12-21T20:52:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I don't know if it's other people,

or if it's just me,

how I always think too much and how I'm always overly sentimental.

Either ways,some people like my mom or my dad may never understand.

Just like today when my parents didn't want to get a christmas tree,

I felt like somehow a part of Christmas is always that there must be a christmas tree,

so I was really upset when they didn't want to get one.

Or how when I thought I lost my file of letters that meant so much to me,

I cried.

Maybe I'll get over it,

I don't know.

Sometimes I wish I weren't so sensitive,

but I guess that's just a part of who I am.

Circumvent

2010-12-20T21:01:00.001+08:00

Desolated

2010-12-20T20:58:00.000+08:00

Nothing much.

Just stayed at home,

wasting time,

dreaming,

enjoying the company of myself.

Tormented

2010-12-19T20:05:00.002+08:00

Blabber

2010-12-19T19:44:00.002+08:00

Today my mom and dad told me something,

something about a friend I've known since I was a child,

until her dad had a tiff with my dad,

and you pretty much know where that goes.

And I still talk to her.

"Don't be so trusting of her. She might give you advice and things,we know that. But she tells her dad things,so you don't go on blabbering about us to her or where we are. And you also need to know that some people use your words and twist it and use it against you, for their good, so you must beware. Although I'm not saying that she is like that of course, just cautioning. So from now on, have discreation about what you tell her."

In my head so many thoughts were bursting through,

how could adults be so selfish?

why must my relationships be affected through their problems?

I kept thinking the utter unfairness of it all,

but I wasn't angry with my parents.

That's because, I understood the plight they were in.

But I couldn't help but cry and think,

whats the point of bothering to trust anyone then?

Just like when mom and dad trusting her dad,

they were really good friends,

but in the end it was pure betrayal.

Why are humans so broken?

Why do we take these chances?

How do we know if they're true?

How do we deal with it?

So many questions,and I have no answers.

Through the course of this year,many things have set me thinking.

I've learnt alot of new things about people,

and myself. But I still have this feeling as though

there is so much yet for me to find out about this complex thing called

relationships.

I'll honestly say I don't know what to do now.

I can't seem to let go of people that you've known so long and love

and neither can I bear to do what my parents told me to,

which is to stop telling someone I've grown to like

and who understands me

but I'll try and I'll still keep the caution of other people in mind.

I'm confused.

Hopefully with time,things will start making sense.

At least,I hope.

And God will show me something.

Then I can move forward and put a stop to all the past haunting me,

somewhat.

Or in this case,make sense of what to do.

Don't Forget Me.

2010-12-18T22:47:00.001+08:00

Christmas is coming isn't it?

2010-12-18T22:33:00.002+08:00

Christmas is coming.

I can feel it in my bones.

Maybe at first I thought maybe this Christmas might not be as magical as the others,

all because this holiday was utter crap.

But I know it's coming,

the shopping and everything.

Well I guess I have to push all these aside then and try to remember whats important and treasure it.

I gotta stop being so selfish then.

Christmas is coming.

Wholeness

2010-12-17T18:42:00.002+08:00

Treasure.

2010-12-17T18:35:00.003+08:00

finally there was something to do today and last night.

Abigail and Joshua came over for the night and I was glad for the company :)

we watched movies till real late and we slept on the living room floor.

and the next day we just hanged and did our usual stuff.

sometimes I'm really greatful for these small times where we can just share,have fun and talk.

At least now I know not everyone leave you,some people stay.

As for the rest who you still don't have close to your heart yet

but are still here,

I've learnt that I should make an effort to get to know them,

in case one day their gone and then when you look back

you regret and think,

what if I tried getting to know him better?

what if I wan't so mean and gave him a chance?

but it's too late.

I'm really gonna try harder to do this.

Carrie Underwood - There's A Place For Us - Narnia Soundtrack

2010-12-17T18:33:00.000+08:00

THIS SONG IS THE BEST SONG EVER OMG. SO TOUCHING :(

Living in the past.

2010-12-16T15:20:00.002+08:00

Alone is the new in this holidays.

2010-12-16T15:13:00.003+08:00

I've been alone alot this holidays.

It's probably the most boring holiday I've ever had in my entire life.

We barely went anywhere,only Malaysia. Even then,we didn't even go with friends.

Everyone has been so busy as well,

overseas,rehearsals and what nots.

I think I only went out less than five times this holiday with my friends at least.

Other than that,I also find myself distancing away from school friends

and I only feel most comfortable with my church friends who have known me since I was a mere baby.

One thing is certain,I'm definitely not looking forward to school.

Other days have been spent left behind at home by the rest of my family.

So,I've found my only comfort in books.

I don't know,how or when I became like this,but I wish things would get better.

Especially next year.

Bot so far things do not seem promising,although I would hate to be so negative like this.

well then,lets just hope Christmas brings good things.

I'll hang on to the little hope I have and pray.

Alluring

2010-12-13T22:59:00.002+08:00

I decided to start over again.

2010-12-13T22:54:00.002+08:00

hey,my old blog was dead so I decided to get a fresh start.

and it's gonna be sorta like a photo blog.